What Adoptive Parents Get Wrong About Attachment (And How to Fix It)

Adoptive parents pour everything into becoming parents. And then the real work begins. Dr. Hilary Claire, clinical psychologist and author of The Motherhood Reset, joins Donna Pope to untangle the specific emotional and psychological challenges adoptive families face long after placement day. This is a practical, science-grounded conversation for every parent trying to show up better.

The 1-in-3 Rule and Why Perfection Is Not the Goal

Research shows parents only need to meet their child's emotional needs about one third of the time to build secure attachment. Dr. Hilary Claire explains what secure versus insecure attachment actually looks like, how it develops, and why parents in the adoption community need to stop measuring themselves against an impossible standard. Getting it right enough, consistently enough, is the job.

What Extreme Behaviors Are Really Telling You

When children smear feces, destroy belongings, or rage against the people trying to love them, it is not manipulation. It is survival. Dr. Hilary Claire breaks down why children from foster care and trauma backgrounds repeat the same relational patterns, why they push hardest on the people they need most, and how adoptive parents can stay regulated and present even when the behavior feels personal.

Self-Regulation, Nutrition, and the Parent Who Has to Go First

Before a child can regulate, their parent has to. Dr. Hilary Claire walks through practical tools including breathing, body movement, emotional identification, and cold water on the face that help parents stay grounded in high-stakes moments. She also brings her background in nutritional and environmental medicine to the table: what parents and children eat directly affects how regulated they feel, how patiently they respond, and how securely they attach.

You cannot pour from an empty cup. You cannot build a secure, trusting relationship with your child if your own nervous system is running on fumes. This episode gives adoptive parents a real, step-by-step framework for showing up consistently, not perfectly, for the children who need them most. Learn more about Dr. Hilary Claire at drhilaryclaire.com and catch her on the Wild and Well podcast.

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